[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
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Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about