I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
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Thursday
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them