Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
You Might Also Like
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Brilliant!
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
At an art museum and I thought this was art
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*