*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
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Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene