Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
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The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.