H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
You Might Also Like
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.