Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
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Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
This guy’s not having it 😆
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I would like even faster food.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.