Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
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Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.