Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
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[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
He died doing what he loved: being alive
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?