Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
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People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Me in tagged photos
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.