“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
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When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this