I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
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[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.