remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
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“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…