My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
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Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Me in tagged photos
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.