my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
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Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.