God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
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The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No