“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
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everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular