Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
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“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Seems kinda suspicious
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE