My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
You Might Also Like
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
OKAY DAD
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song