universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
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Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Fluff me with a fork baby
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.