My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
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Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Friday
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans