The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
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As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
The only good comments section online is on recipes
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.