Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
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babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.