5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
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*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular