I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
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I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
mmm onion ringos
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”