*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
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Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Many hands make light work
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I created you as mosquito food.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic