Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
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PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
This is my pinned tweet
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
tis the season
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet