It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
You Might Also Like
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*