I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
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Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Seems a bit forward
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.