Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
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Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?