ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
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50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.