There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
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Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?