Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
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Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything