My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
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88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Is your wife single?
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”