Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
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Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.