Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
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If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now