He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
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Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops