Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
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The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
i smell a pulitzer
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
superman landing like a plane on his belly