Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
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“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I just tested negative for patience.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.