Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
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If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
When you kidnap a writer.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm