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[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
🤯🤯🤯
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.