2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
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Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more