ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
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Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.