Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
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Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
How it started How it’s going
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.