“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
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My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Every time my phone rings