Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
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date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
the world’s most popular steaming services
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.