Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
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How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.