Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
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Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.