What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
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ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.