I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
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*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.